When
I am an old man
...
I'll wear mixed plaids.
...
I'll put my teeth in only when I need them.
...
I'll proudly and loudly produce massive amounts of phlegm at will.
...
I'll drive as slow as I want ... I was here first, wasn't I?
...
I'll buy my grandchildren gifts my kids don't want them to have.
...
I'll let waiters and waitresses really know how "everything"
is tonight.
...
I'll wear Vicks Vap-o-Rub, BenGay, and that Icy Blue stuff instead of cologne.
...
I'll let my gut stick out. Way, way out ... who gives a rip anymore?
...
I'll darn sure let people know what I think about
"the trash they're
showing on the TV these days."
...
I'll let my grandchildren get away with things I used to punish my children for
doing.
...
I'll blow my nose as hard and as loud as I want!
...
I'll make darn sure I get my "Senior" discount!
...
I'll refuse to stand in long grocery store lines to pay for a
quart of milk
and a box of bran. If they catch me, I'll just act senile.
...
I'll keep my turn signal on as long as I want, dab-nabit!
...
I'll pass gas whenever and wherever I dang well please.
...
I'll darn sure let people know what I think about
"the garbage the
government makes us go through just to get what we have coming to us."
...
I'll develop an addiction to Milk of Magnesia.
...
I'll write long letters to the editor about whatever I don't like.
...
I'll chug Metamucil like I used to chug beer.
...
I'll obsessively make elaborate contraptions
to keep the dang squirrels off
my bird feeders.
...
I'll have more hair growing out of my nose and ears than on the top of my skull.
...
I'll flirt with women who wouldn't have gone out with me even when I was their
age.
...
I'll brush my eyebrow hair up over my bald spot.
...
I'll go to them all-you-can-eat buffet lunch places and bring a doggy bag with
me.
...
I'll wear my pants hiked up around my armpits
or I'll let them ride comfortably
down under my belly.
...
I'll blow my social security money by buyin' junk from the back of books.
~By
Tim Nyberg
(Suggested by Margaret who lives in San Francisco, California)
| | WHEN
I AM AN OLD MAN,
I'll Wear Mixed
Plaids
This book has fun with aging
without making fun of the aged. Growing old isn't just about subscribing to the
large print edition of Reader's Digest. It's driving your car as slow as you want
to, wearing your teeth only when you need them, and having a legitimate license
to begin sentences with, Back in my day... This parody of When I'm an
Old Woman, I Shall Wear Purple shares the griping cynicism, and complete disregard
for societal advancements embodied by men who feel they've lived long enough to
earn not only their AARP discount, but also the right to do anything any way they
darn well please. This collection of hilarious reflections on aging is the perfect
gift for all the old men in your life — whether they are on Willard Scott's
birthday list or are just turning 40!!
By
Tony Dierckins (Author), Tim Nyberg (Author)
|
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