INSPIRATION LINE'S MEANINGFUL LIFE ANSWERS & ENCOURAGEMENT BLOG BOARD

[inspiration]

Effective Fathering
by Child Welfare Information Gateway

Of course, fathers are not all the same, and being an effective father takes many different forms. It is important for any caseworker who is going to be working with fathers - in other words, every caseworker - to understand what effective fathering is. Understanding what makes for an effective father can help the caseworker work with a father around setting goals and objectives and assist both the caseworker and the father in understanding when progress has been made.

Helping men understand what an invaluable and irreplaceable role they play in the development and lives of their children can lead them to make a greater commitment and investment in their family. Indeed, Dr. Wade F. Horn, co-founder and former president of the National Fatherhood Initiative, coined the phrase "the myth of the superfluous father." By this, he was referring to the fact that too many fathers become convinced that they are simply an extra set of hands to help around the house, rather than irreplaceable to their children. Men who see themselves as simply an "extra set of hands" are not in a position to help the family prevent future child maltreatment.

The following discussion explores what makes a father effective and offers the caseworker further insight into the importance of fathers. Despite a diversity of views on fathering, research suggests seven dimensions of effective fathering:

Fostering a positive relationship with the children's mother - The research on fatherhood suggests two implications for fathers. First, fathers need to accentuate the positive when interacting with their wives and to show affection for their wives on a daily basis. While for many men this comes naturally, for others it does not. Many men, especially those who grew up without a father, simply did not have role models for how men can and ought to relate to their spouse or partner in a positive fashion. Further, the way a man treats and interacts with the women in his life is frequently connected to how he views himself as a man.

The second implication is that husbands need to be able to deal with conflict with their wives in a constructive manner. Conflict, in and of itself, is not a bad thing in a relationship. Indeed, conflict is often necessary to resolve issues, grievances, or injustices in a relationship. Couples who can raise issues with one another constructively, compromise, and forgive one another for the wrongs done generally have happier marriages and happier children than those who do not handle conflict well or who avoid addressing issues in their relationship.

Spending time with children - The time a father spends with his children is important for at least three reasons. First, spending time together enables a father to get to know and to be known by his child. A father can best discover his child's virtues and vices, hopes and fears, and aspirations and ideals by spending lots of time with his child. Second, a father who spends lots of time with his child tends to be better at caring. Time spent together makes a father more sensitive to his child's needs for love, attention, direction, and discipline. And third, as the quotation above illustrates, children often do see time as an indicator of a parent's love for them.

Nurturing children - With infants, fathers should be responsive to their babies' cries, hold and hug them often, and participate in their basic care (e.g., feeding, changing diapers). Throughout the rest of early childhood, fathers should praise their children when they behave well or accomplish something, hug and kiss their children often, and comfort them when they are sad or scared. Fathers should continue to praise adolescents, especially when they achieve significant accomplishments.

Disciplining children appropriately - How should fathers discipline their children? First of all, a father must maintain control of his emotions, his body language, and his hands when he disciplines his children. Fathers who scream at their children, who pound tables, or who strike their children are destined to fail as disciplinarians, both because they are modeling bad behavior and because they lose their children's respect when they let their emotions take hold of them. Unfortunately, many fathers resort to these tactics out of frustration when they feel they cannot control their children, because they cannot control their anger, or because they simply do not know another way.

Serving as a guide to the outside world - When children are in preschool, fathers can best prepare their children for the outside world by engaging in vigorous, physical play and encouraging small steps in the direction of autonomy. For instance, fathers can push preschoolers to learn to dress themselves, to shake hands with house guests, and, more generally, to deal with the frustrations of daily life. As children begin school, fathers can tell their children of their own experiences in school and encourage them to study hard, teach them about money management, or teach them a sport that will help their children learn about teamwork. Fathers of adolescents should incorporate discussions of their core beliefs and life experiences into ordinary conversations with their teens and have meals with their children on a regular basis. Fathers should also include their children in some of their work or community activities so as to give their teenaged children a taste of their lives outside the home.

Protecting and providing - Certainly the role of father as protector and provider has changed over the years. Historically, fathers were viewed as chief financial provider for and protector of their children. As the traditional roles of mother and father, and likewise man and wife, have changed over the years, the distinctions have blurred, especially when it comes to who is the breadwinner. One study, however, found that men view marriage "as a partnership of equals, albeit one in which the man is the partner ultimately responsible for the provision of income and the family's protection." The ability to provide and protect is still, today, very much tied up with the average man's sense of self and sense of manhood. Research consistently shows that fathers who are employed full-time express more happiness with family life and have better relationships with their children, compared to fathers who are underemployed or unemployed.

Serving as a positive role model - Being a role model is not a simple or easy task. In the way that fathers treat other people, spend their time and money, and handle the joys and stresses of life, they provide a template of living for their children that often proves critical in guiding the behavior of their children, for better or worse. As discussed earlier, a father's treatment of the opposite ---, his ability to control his own emotions, and his approach to work all play a formative role in shaping his sons' and daughters' approach to romantic relationships and marriage, interpersonal relationships, and school and work.

Fathers may not excel in all seven of these dimensions, but fathers who do well in most of them will serve their children and families well. Some of the dimensions are generic indicators of good parenting; others apply specifically to men in their role as fathers.

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Child Welfare Information Gateway provides access to information and resources to help protect children and strengthen families.
A service of the Children's Bureau, Administration for Children and Families, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.